Beer and Brewer Magazine

With a World Cup in full swing and finals footy upon us, Jabba's lacing up the drinking boots. Let the games begin!

Humanity's ability to develop technology, build civilizations and play organised sport is directly attributable to beer.

Ever since a few pints of honeymead in a Greek taverna became a dare of: "Hey Apollo, I bet I can throw my javelin further over the pub than you can," (thus spawning the modern-day Olympics), athletes and alcohol have gone hand-in-hand.

Same goes for armchair athletes. However, spectators should adhere to a few basic ground rules that govern drinking beer while watching sports or they risk severe embarrassment.

Indoor Sports

Beer drinking being the civilised science it is, sports like darts and pool are generally played where alcohol is served freely. But how to play and drink your beer all at once?

First the facts. If you were to sip your brewski every time a pool ball was struck, you would, on average, rack up 36 sips per game. But if you're a big sipper - say, four sips per beer - then that means nine beers per game, and a natural segue into other bar sports such as bare-knuckle brawling, pool-hockey and ‘cue across the head'.

A similarly cautious approach is required for darts or else innocent bystanders will find themselves playing a sport the ancient Greeks dubbed ‘dart in the eyeball'.

Grass Sports

Perhaps the worlds most tedious game, both for participants and spectators, is golf. For a sport such as this, I recommend one large sip per swing or, if that fails to liven things up, one sip per blade of grass on the course.
Cricket is another of Australia's most popular outdoor games where players and fans enjoy beer drinking.

Let's first take the case of one David Clarence Boon - the only person in history to vomit two breakfast kegs beside the hallowed pitch of the Adelaide Oval during a one-day game in 1988 before a live television audience of millions and then go on to make 122 and win Man Of The Match.

Clearly Boony had things a little mixed up; he was celebrating his sporting accomplishments before completing them, despite having the good sense to expel the excess fluids rather than play on a full tum. This sort of responsible foresight led to DC Boon necking 52 cans on a Sydney-to-Heathrow flight in 1989.

Blood Sports

Of late, cricketers have been outclassed by another portion of the sporting community: footballers. Or as I like to call them, blokes married to footballers' wives.

Fans of all football codes know the hardest thing about attending a big game is the lack of good beer. In fact, in many venues around Australia the only substance available is a sub-standard beverage known as light beer.
Now, while it's all well and good for designated drivers wanting to ‘enjoy' a couple of lights before safely transporting their mates home, the only people who can genuinely enjoy low-alcohol beer are those poor souls who've had the grave misfortune of losing their sense of taste and part of their frontal lobe in an industrial accident.

For true footy fans, there's one golden rule to obey for the Grand Final, State of Origin or Match of the Day - never run out of beer.

Beer #1 must be made to last at least until the final strains of Advance Australia Fair.

Beer #2 should cover the time for your team to exit the dressing room and punch their way through the tissue-paper banner.

Beer #3 slips down as the commentators run through player profiles and season highlights. A bonus beer may be claimed if a family member or friend is caught on camera in the stands, and must be consumed in the three-second window where they wave 'n' gurn like a fool.

Beer #4 will be opened precisely at kick-off.

Thereafter, beer can be consumed at these rates: NRL, one beer per try; AFL, one beer per behind; Union, every time the ref blows his whistle; soccer, one beer for every extravagant dive feigning serious injury.

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