Beer and Brewer Magazine

Are you a burnt SNAG? An Ice Guy? Or a Queen in search of a Crown? Years of grilling his guests have shown TV BBQ King Jabba who brings what to your barbie... and why.

Victoria Bitter

VB drinkers differ according to the vessel of choice. Those who bring cans are typically single, singlet-wearing guys called Dave likely to vomit over the neighbours fence before the gas runs out. Bottled VB fans will be budget-conscious couples keen to take home any beers they don't finish. Beer in a glass at a BBQ is best. Nothing more revolting than swilling warm, flat amber fluids from a plastic cup while making idle chit-chat about the condition of the kikuyu in the back yard. Cans are only appropriate if shot-gunning is going to be on the cards.

Tooheys Extra Dry

Generally named Pete or Keith, these guys will have ex-wives, moustaches and a chainsaw in the back of their four-wheel drive.

Coopers Pale Ale

The way I see it, if the steaks on the grill are from Aussie cows then the beer in your hand should be from an Aussie brewery. Coopers Pale-packers are folks of wealth and taste yet they're invariably vegetarians - the ultra-versatile CPA having long been the world's most Vegan-friendly beer. Although a touch heavy after 3-4 longnecks it stays crisp, refreshing and fruity all night long. Footnote: One surefire way to avoid conflict between carnivores and herbivores at a BBQ is to cook vege parcels in foil on the side of the hotplate thus ensuring the veg option remains uncontaminated by blood and guts and everyone can enjoy the backyard feast conscience-free and without complaint.

Miller

Folks who bring American beers to an Australian BBQ are misguided folk who know no better. The only consolation is that Miller and Budweiser etc go well with ribs and tacos - dishes with a lot of flavour to compensate for the blandness of the beer.

Crown Lager

One thing is guaranteed about Crown drinkers (apart from their driving a top-of-the-line Ford Fairlane) - they firmly believe they are supplying top-shelf liquid gold and will get louder about the fact as the day wears on, often to the point of fisticuffs. The reason? Crown-downers are carnivores and their tipple of choice is tops for sausages, chops, steaks and hamburgers. Why? Because it has enough flavour to cleanse the palate after each mouthful without overpowering the tastebuds. Translation: It goes well with tomato sauce. Which leads me to beer number six....

Cascade Premium

A simple beer for complex people, Cascade is enjoyed by the environmental set and was most recently seen in the mitts of the Beaconsfield miners Brant Webb and Todd Russell (when they finally got out of Kochy's ambulance). Like Crown, Cascade goes well with tomato sauce. Let's face it, folks: God gave tomato sauce to mankind to compensate for overzealous flames corrupting the humble sausage while the cook is topping up the bathtub with more ice or searching for the coldest beer at the bottom of the esky. And it is the only dressing required for meat apart from a dash of mustard. (The Mustard Debate I won't enter into here as international conflicts have erupted over the finer points of Dijon vs English). Suffice to say, anyone who insists on using BBQ sauce deserves to be shaved head-to-toe, gaff-taped to a telegraph pole and served warm cans of Carlton Cold.

Ice

People who bring ice but no beer to a BBQ normally have two kids, a station wagon and a dog called Rusty. They may be boring but you can never have enough frozen water on hand to keep beer at the correct temperature for consumption. A bathtub of ice is a mandatory starting point, backed up by both laundry tubs and a deep freeze of half-meat and half-beer. If it's a big celebration I suggest an ice-filled aluminium dinghy.

Home Brew

Guests who brew their own also grow their own - that's right, you'll know them by their beards. BBQs are great opportunities to show off your latest batch of shed-brewed ale, however it's imperative to test each individual bottle before serving it to your guests. A man's reputation rests on his ability to create the perfect drop. Who wants to be remembered for a warm, dark water full of floaty bits?

Tooheys New

Normally consumed by working class heroes who've worked for so long with asbestos or mercury they have no tastebuds left, New drinkers are usually named Allen or Alan and one thing you can be sure of is they'll bring along at least two cases of the stuff. Why? Because whatever your taste, you should always ensure you supply the host with at least as much beer as you intend to consume yourself. It's a friendly tax for the inconvenience of trampled turf, irate neighbours, damaged flowerbeds and blocked toilets. Memo: keep your own brews in a safe place (to avoid increases in your public liability insurance premiums) because leftovers tend to be un-enjoyable. They do come in handy for offering to relatives and other uninvited guests though...

Corona

Ray Ban-wearing, lime-licking cats called Roy, they'll spend the whole barbie waxing lyrical about South America even though the farthest south they've been is Albury/Wodonga.

Asahi

These guests, typically known as Steve or Jacob, will think of themselves as health conscious. The irony being they've brought Asahi to go with their sushi, a totally inappropriate foodstuff for any outdoors event because flies lay maggots in raw flesh and heat isn't good for uncooked anything... unless it's heat from flames licking at a slab of steak.

Carlton Draught

Anyone who brings this tap-champ to a BBQ really needs to a) get out more or b) stay at home. Even if you live on a student budget, you're much better off "discovering" a cheap import that looks exotic and expensive (even if it is cheaper than non-alcoholic cask wine).

PS, always consume your ale colder than the French onion dip.

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