Beer and Brewer Magazine

Old lager ladies. Drunk dogs. Shickered liquor deliveries. Political pilsners. Cures for insomnia. And a fridge too fart.

THE BEER DEPARTED

The world's oldest person has gone to the grave with the secret of her incredible longevity finally revealed - beer!

Cruz Hernandez, whom national birth records show was born on May 3, 1878 in central El Salvador, passed away in her sleep at the ripe old age of 128 years old, leaving behind 13 children, at least 60 grandchildren, 80 great-grandchildren and 25 great-great grandchildren.

Although over 200 guests celebrated her 128th birthday last May, and national birth registry officials sent her documents to the Guinness World Records organisation last year, they did not get a reply. The International Committee on Supercentenarians currently has 114-year-old Japanese woman Yone Minagawa listed as the world's oldest person.

Neighbour and close family friend Margarita Ascencio said Ms Hernandez "had been poorly for a few days, and yesterday, after eating a tamale and drinking some milk, she went to sleep and never woke up."

She also confirmed the secret of Cruz Hernandez's longevity - her favourite drink was a beer with two raw eggs in it!

TRUCKIE OFF TROLLEY

An alcoholic who thought he was "the luckiest man in the world" when he bagged a job delivering beer to pubs was jailed for four months after drinking 20 pints before starting his rounds.

osters Lager delivery man Brian Rogers - a convicted drink driver - was pulled over on the outskirts of London after a pub landlord alerted police to his "erratic" behaviour. "To the bewilderment of the police officers he admitted he had been drinking heavily from 2pm the previous day until 2am on the day of the offence. During these 12 hours he admitted drinking around 20 pints," said the prosecuting attorney.

ogers' probation officer told magistrates: "It's one thing to drink ten pints on the weekend, wake up hungover and realise you drank too much. That's one thing, but to drink ten pints and go to work and claim you don't have a drink problem, that's an issue."

HOOCH FOR POOCH

Man's best friends have at last joined forces.

small brewery in the Netherlands has launched a beer specially for dogs. Kwispelbier (kwispel is the Dutch word for ‘wagging tail') is marketed as "a beer for your best friend" and is made from a special brew of beef extract and malt.

he non-alcoholic beverage is the creation of pet shop owner Gerrie Berendsen, who lives in the eastern town of Zelhem, and commissioned the small local Schelde brewery to make and bottle the beer so she might enjoy beer o'clock with her hop-loving hounds - Benito, a 5 year old chihuaha and Adolf, a 3 year-old weimaraner.

Once a year we go to Austria to hunt with our dogs, and at the end of the day we sit on the verandah and drink a beer. We thought my dog also has earned it," Ms Berendsen deadpanned to Associated Press.

he bow-wow beer is fit for human consumption, but costs four times as much as a Heineken.

Hair of the dog, anyone?

VOTE 1 BEER

Beer & Brewer offers our sincere commiserations to the Hon. Ben Smith, failed Democrat candidate for the seat of Ballina at the recent NSW election.

Mr Smith injected much-needed life into the campaign by giving away stubbies with his name and photo on the label, all under the auspices of "promoting Australian values, having a bit of a laugh and not taking yourself too seriously," he said.

Alas, not even free beer failed to sway the voters with Smith attracting just 2% of the vote on polling day.

Maybe if it hadn't been XXXX-lite...

IS THERE ANYTHING BEER CAN'T DO?

Scale Fish - Find a sturdy piece of wood six inches long and roughly an inch wide. Nail four bottletops to it with the serrated edges facing out and not balancing the wood on your knees. Watch those fish scales fly!

Ice a Hamstring - Frozen cans make great icepacks. "Metal transmits cold very rapidly" according to B&B's resident beer doctor. Wrap a frosty tube to your groan-zone, be it a dicky knee, sunburned scone, chafed thigh or tenderised tackle - and sit back and relax as the Beer Gods cure what ails you.

Loosen Bolts - Pour some beer on them and wait a few minutes (maybe drink a beer while you wait). Then get loosening as the carbonation breaks down the rust!

Sleep Easy - Sew some hops (any variety will do although we recommend Cascade and Fuggles) into your pillow. It alleviates the symptoms of colicky babies and the fragrant aroma acts as a sleep aid... especially if you've had a dozen beforehand.

Kill Slugs - Fill a few old butter tubs a third of the way up with cheap beer. Then bury them beside the plants or vegetables you're protecting, making sure the rims are level with the soil surface. Slugs love beer almost as much as we do. They'll smell the beery breeze, find the traps, drop in and drown in the amber. Make sure you bury them with honour next day - they died doing something they love, after all.

Cure Lawns - The worst drought in living history and your lawn's browner than a Newcastle Ale. Simply spray on some beer - the grass will absorb the sugar, energise the soil, stimulate growth and kill fungi!

BEERZ MEANZ GASZ?

Israeli entrepreneurs have developed and obtained Health Ministry approval for a beer which incorporates nitrous oxide aka Laughing Gas.

Having already trialed the nitrous oxide in an imported Czech beer - the tests saw drinkers laugh uproariously "before the gas bubbles quickly left the body" - the product is currently awaiting patent, although has already elicited censure from Israel's Anti-Drug Authority, which noted that laughing gas is a controlled substance.
Likewise the noxious nitrous-fueled emissions it induces.

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